Wednesday was lost day. Cold, gray, unpredictable and barometrically unstable. And I developed a case of acute fulminating grumpitis-or the familial name "grumpits" (which has really only been the familial name, since I misread it yesterday, but I like it). Today it is beautiful sunny and breezy, 63°, and most importantly, high-pressure. I have corrected my Wicked friend, to explain that I actually love dramatic weather, i.e. thunder and lightning, wind, hail-you know Hollywood weather. Because it's true, the electrical charge, which is produced is very exciting and energizing. Anyway, she did a far better job explaining it than I will.
So let's move on to the retired lady's quandary-- Loss of Self.
I have of late been creating some lovely pieces of jewelry and with a little provocation have gone back to some knitting. I am enjoying my blogging, especially finding new blogs to read and marveling at the voices we have, when we choose to share them. I am constantly amazed at the thoughts that come out of my friend's heads. Be assured,it is very gratifying to have brilliant friends.
However. I guess I have reached a point in retirement, where I have lost the direction of my life-I'm not bored-I'm rudderless. 30 years as a registered nurse dictated more of my life than I would like to admit. It defined me whether I was working or not. It defined how I thought about topics and how I reacted to incidents or conversations.
I found myself recently listening to a conversation about a medical topic, and for the first time ever, had nothing to say-nothing to inject, nothing to correct, nothing to comment on. It was a very peculiar sensation.
In the succeeding days, I found myself feeling sadder and sadder. I felt as though I lost my center-no less of a human- but with less definition.
I recognize these feelings of grief, and although they are familiar, I'm always surprised by their appearance. There is a feeling of loss for something that will never return, for the productive, contributing medical practitioner. And altho I don't want to go back, I am nevertheless saddened by the loss of that confident, capable, professional.
I have chosen a new path, one that is completely unknown to me. And there is no one who can tell me exactly what this will be like.
Everyday is interesting and a little scary, I have chosen not to have rigid plans and to see what unfolds-and for now, that seems to be a little grieving. ' doesn't seem to affect my creative muse, so we'll just go along with it.